How have I survived Diamond? What is it like for me to play in that terribly strong division for years on end? To understand my answer to those questions, you need two pieces of context.

The first piece of context has to do with a quote about love. It describes a concept that I’ve lived by since I read the quote, though I’ve now forgotten who wrote or said it. Whoever that was, they were talking about someone they loved dearly: “You are hard work.”

The meaning, as I take it, is that even (especially!) the best and most rewarding things in life, including true love itself, demand our hard work;—our attention, our focus, and our effort, to the best of our ability to give it. Nothing worthwhile is effortless.
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There’s a point before every competitive SpyParty match where my brain comes up with reasons not to play.

I don’t ask it to do this, but it does it anyway. Maybe something will come up and I’ll have to reschedule or drop out. Maybe there’ll be some kind of emergency. Maybe I’ll just faint. My brain does this whether I’m an underdog or a favorite, whether I’m confident or pessimistic. My brain does this even though everything is fine and I have no intention of deferring the match. In fact, I’ve never failed to show for a scheduled match, for any reason. But I still involuntarily imagine excuses I can use to avoid it, every time.
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